The nursery is done. The closet is full. The birth plan is written. The family is scheduled to come into town. You could say, we're ready for our little miss to arrive.
But, are the boys ready for a baby?
Of course, the answer is no because as much prepping we do, parents are not even truly ready for a baby (the first or subsequent ones) - there's too many unknown variables. Part of having a baby is getting to know the baby and that can't happen until he/she gets here.
That being said, it'd be foolish to expect three little boys age six, six, and five to just "wing it"...especially when you throw autism into that mix. With autism, any change should come with caution signs. Even good change - like family coming to visit and them getting special treatment while I'm in the hospital - is enough to lead to a complete meltdown. Change, is change. So prep is necessary.
I have not talked much about little miss' nearing arrival - for no reason except that this is not a blog about pregnancy or babies :). That being said, today I want to share with you some ways we've been getting ready for baby. Who, by the way, will be here in just three weeks!!!
1. Knowledge is Power
There are a ton of books floating around about becoming a big brother or sister. Here is a list of our favorites. If I had to pick one off the list, I would choose What to Expect When the New Baby Comes Home. The author does a great job at answering questions about what the baby will look like - all the way down to the umbilical cord stump - and why do babies have to be held so much.
In addition to reading, I signed up for the Baby Center website early in my pregnancy. They send me weekly emails and some include videos of what the baby looks like. It is an awesome way to share with the boys what's happening that they can't see. Heads up, there are some full frontal shots of the mom picture so you'll want to view the videos yourself first.
2. Making New Memories and Reliving Old Ones
New: One-on-one mommy dates are on our list in the next couple of weeks. I plan to let the boys pick how we spend our time. The goal is to connect a really special time with mom to the arrival of our little lady. I've told them that as I grow the baby, God gives me an extra amount of love just for that baby. She will not be "stealing" any of theirs :)
Old: We've watched old movies from when they were babies and looked back through photo albums at their birth pictures. This helps them not only connect the experience but see that their birth was just as much of a big deal as hers is going to be. I tell them stories about their birth and what a fuss we made over them.
3. Explain Their Part in This
We talk about how she will not be able to talk and we'll have to teach her words. The boys excitedly point out any time they see a girl toy on TV or in the store, "Look, she'll LOVE that when she gets big!" They already have her first Lego duplo set picked out which they're reserved to buy for her first birthday. They've also helped pick out clothes and baby items.
Our hospital does a sibling class that includes a tour. The boys will not only learn about the baby but get familiar with where I'll be staying and what it will be like when they come to visit.
They have become my little helpers. I've helped them to step into the "knight in shining armor" role with me throughout the day and it helps that they see daddy doing this at night. If I do get a chance to rest during the day, it is very likely one of them will bring me a blanket. Why? Because they're the knight in shining armor. This is an important role, not just because it helps me out, but because it gives them a sense of being apart of the pregnancy and I feel that will make it a more natural transition to be a part of the new baby. In addition to that, we are bringing a girl into an all boy house. They are learning that their interactions with their sister will look different than they do with each other.
As for role playing, we are fortunate enough to have recently born cousins to "practice" with :). There's nothing as valuable as modeling appropriate baby behavior and having them mimic you (which kids naturally do, anyway). I've also pointed out strangers in the store, saying "see, that's how little she'll be...". When they hear a baby cry I ask, "what would you do?" and "what do you think the baby wants?" The boys are very excited to be helpers and big brothers although they've all made it known they will not be changing diapers!
4. Keep life Normal, but Flexible
We still go for a bike ride every night. Library day is still every Monday. We are still going to the pumpkin patch and having our pumpkin decorating party this month. We still snuggle on the couch (although they have to sit a different way to fit with the belly!) Mommy still climbs up in bed and reads to them every night, one-on-one. The world has not stopped spinning because I'm pregnant. They can more easily accept the upcoming changes (and even current changes) if they see many of the "pillars" of their day and family traditions are staying the same.
Life in this house will change dramatically in the next few weeks, but my goal is to merge into this new life. I've taken small steps in that direction; I have allowed life to slow down a little. We have fallen into a more relaxed routine. A common phrase in our house now is "go ask daddy." Even if I'm available but busy, I want them to get in the habit of having to go elsewhere for times I can't step away from the baby. I am trying to mentally add the baby to the picture throughout the day, thinking "what would I be doing with our little lady while the boys are doing this...?"
I'm also attempting to look into the future and apply any new rules now that will make our lives run more smoothly later. An example is the legos. They are obviously a choking hazard and although we are months away from that being an issue, we've already started training the boys to keep all small toys in the lego/toy room. This way I can just throw a baby gate up and they will already be used to the rule.
5. Having Realistic Expectations
This step is about my mental preparation! I am sure we haven't even begun to see behaviors related to this new addition. I have to look at this from the boys' point of view. My youngest boy lost his room to "this baby" and was shoved into his brothers' room creating what we affectionately call the "little man cave." Yes, he got a new bed. Yes, he gets to be with the big boys, but part of him still feels sadness and loss. He's been the baby for five years and that will change very soon. There's a ton of change going on in their little world and as a mom I want to be respectful of that. We made the room move months ago so they would have time to adjust to that first before having to adjust to the baby, as well. Most of the time they are all thrilled about her coming but every now and then there's a comment about "I don't want to be a big brother anymore..." and I have to see that only as a means of expressing their concerns and not as a statement of truth.
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